911...God will you help me?

Today at work I was stationed at th position where I answer 911 and non-emergency calls. I got a call from my brother. He told me that the hospice person had been there that morning. They told my mom and brother that my dad had about a 2-3 week window of life left (but they were leaning more toward 2 weeks). I was stunned. I didn't expect things to start to end this quickly. I love my dad. I need my dad and I'm not ready to let him go yet! Even though, I know God's timing is perfect and I wouldn't want to stand in the way of his will.

I spent all day at work giving people information of different kinds, Answering calls from people who had their own personal emergencies. All of a sudden, I felt numb. I still helped those who called, but I felt like I was somehow disconnected from them. Fortunately, I have a best friend at work, who helped by taking more than his share of the calls. This guy is my rock at work. He lost his dad to cancer a little over a year ago, and I can talk with him about this stuff. So that helps a little.

I came home after work and told my mom I'd stay with dad while she went out for a bit with her sister for some much-needed time away. Freinds stopped by and well-wishers called. All the while I played the 'strong, helpful son.' But you know what? I'm not that strong at all. My wife has always noticed that I don't cry much. Not at weddings, not at sad movies, and not at funerals. I don't know why that is, but it certainly doesn't mean I'm tough. After losing my father in-law three weeks ago, and now the prospect of losing my dad in a couple more........it's tearing me up inside! I want to scream WHY GOD?! Why now? How about after the first of the year? Not before the holidays! Not before his, or my mom's next birthday (not to mention my youngest brother & sister's birthdays). I just want some more time with the dad I had BEFORE he got sick. The dad who showed me how to use the woodworking tools in the shop. The dad who loved sports and teasing his grandkids. The dad who made the best 'Pru-roni' in the entire world! Is this selfish of me? Is it selfish to want to want to have a grandpa at my kid's concerts, holidays, graduations, weddings and so much more?!

I'm not mad at God. I know my dad loves God and will be with him in heaven. That helps, but it doesn't dull the ache I have in my heart. When my dad leaves this Earth for heaven, I know his suffering and pain will be over. He'll be at peace. I also know that when he gets there he would never want to come back. I know I'll that I'll see him again when I get there too. My wife can be assured that very soon, the floodgates of my heart will burst and tears will rush like rivers. They will be bittersweet tears. Sad to see my father go, but happy and joyful in knowing that his fight is over and that he is with his Savior Jesus. I know this to be true by the swell of emotion that I feel as I type. Emotions will come and that is okay. I am ready, knowing that I have family and friends who will be there with words of comfort and warm embraces. I also know that I have a God who loves me. A God who has experienced the same feelngs I have, and will be there to give me his love and peace at the moments I need them most.